Plan "be"

The Hamster Wheel of Life

    

I wanted to give all you mom's out there that are struggling with that lost and alone desperate place of how the heck am I going to make it through this life, a little bit of humor and maybe a whole lot comfort in knowing you are not alone sisters.  There are thousands of us out there seeing, experiencing and feeling many of the same things.  Here's my story.....

Today started out like any other day.  I was awoken to three of the four kids jumping into bed with us, fighting over who got there first and therefore lucky enough to lie in the "hot spot", the much sought after, or should I say fought over place right up next to Nate or I that is still nice and warm from our body heat. Between punches, screams and crying I frantically try to throw off the covers, and unwind myself from this frenzy of chaos, as ask myself with all seriousness, "what day is this?", and my mind attempts to differentiate between the dream I was just in, and the reality of my circumstances.

Frazzled and tired I climb into the shower, in hopes of escaping the noise, but not before I head down the hall to wake sleeping beauty, and hand out about ten orders to be completed before I finish.  I usually shower just long enough for Nate to get ready, and take the kids downstairs to start breakfast.

Can I just say.....I bask....I mean really revel in the 15 mins of quiet bliss alone in my bathroom.  As I comb through my newly washed hair, moisturize my face and slowly begin to slip into a place I now only dream about, I am jolted back to suburbia with my four kids, as my four year old slams open the door screaming he doesn't want cheesey eggs, but instead wants oatmeal.  This is truly when the reality of my life sinks in, and I know that I actually have less than 15 mins to get myself dressed and downstairs to help Nate before all hell breaks loose.  Long gone are the days of primping for hours in the bathroom, hello are the days of getting out of the house with all my clothes on right.

Breakfast was the usual fast pace, have you eaten, take your vitamins, get your shoes on, grab your backpacks rush out the door in a frenzy routine.  Like clock work, an all out war had broken out by the time I had reached the car.  With fists and words flying, I pulled out of the driveway asking myself how I ever got myself into this place called "motherhood", and would I ever make it out alive, or better....sane?

I've had to learn to make lists, or rather maps of how I am going to get through all the tasks in my day. During my working years I never understood how stay at home mom's could remain so busy, but I'm now here to ask how do working mom's stay sane as long as they do with all there is to accomplish in a day? Don't get me wrong, I never thought staying home would be a life of bon bons and Chardonnay, and but I never imagined that taking care of a house of six and staying sane, could still be so difficult. My calendar looks like I am the secretary for the President, and my kids make sure I know how embarrassing it is when I mess up an event date or time.  Trust me when I say there is just as much chaos,as when I was working full-time,  but with lot less adult conversation and visible evidence that what I am doing is actually making a difference in this world.

My map directed me for a quick stop at Trader Joe's, but before I had hit the check out line my phone had dinged with a message from my three year old's preschool teacher that he had a really rough day, and had already been to the principals office.  A rough day, seriously?  He'd only been there for 45 mins, not to mention the fact that three year old's don't usually visit the principal.  I quickly picked my jaw up off the floor, closed my phone and hurried myself through the checkout line, not knowing how to answer and secretly hoping it might just go away.

After several more errands, including what I thought was a simple oil change, I had a friend drop me off to pick up my car.  With grocery bags in hand the technician asked if I could follow him to the garage area, he wanted to show me a problem with my car.  I'm thinking to myself, are you serious, I have bigger problems to deal with than a 6 year old car with 112,000 miles on it, my three year old just took his first visit to the principals office.  But do you think a MAN working in an auto shop has any clue what is like to be a MOM caring for four young children, or care?  In his all business like tone, with his you'll never get this your a woman attitude, he told me that my 100,000 mile, less than a year old tires with only 21,000 miles on them would need to be replaced, by me.  When I asked how this was even possible, and wasn't there some kind of warranty, he looked at me annoyed, and said he'd have to do some checking, but he wouldn't be caught driving my car down I-235.  Now with less than 30 mins to pick up the kids, I explained that I couldn't be late to get my kids, but would need to know what my options were, so he lowered her down handed me the keys and told me he would call me.  I drove off thinking the day couldn't have any more twists or turns, and didn't he just say he wouldn't drive this car????

Three o clock begins the evening schedule of picking up and dropping off from school, music and soccer. In between we juggle snacks, homework, chores, conversation, laundry,dinner,dogs, dishes, a conference call for Nate's office.  Now approaching 9:30 p.m., I am finally settling in to reflect back on what I really did today. The kids are tucked in bed, the dogs are laid out at my feet snoring, Nate is plinking away carelessly on a hunting website he loves, and here I sit exhausted, coughing and feeling defeated in only getting half way through my Monday morning list, and frustrated I have now added six new things for Tuesday taking me back to a full day.  Somewhere along the way I didn't get to task number 9 or 10, which included items for May day baskets and Asher's b-day, which I might add is tomorrow.

This writing isn't a cry for help, or even a blog to say poor me.  This is for all those women that have been here, that have done this, that have had these and much worse kind of knock down drag out kind of days when you just don't feel like you will EVER get off the hamster wheel.  I want you all to know that I get it, and I get you, and we can get each other together.  We are mighty, we are fierce and we WILL survive!!!!!!

Now, you'll have to excuse me,  I am off to Walgreens, going to pop some popcorn and stay up until mid-night assembling May day baskets for all the lovely neighbor kids, knowing and loving that tomorrow morning I will wake up and start all over again!!!  

And why do we celebrate May Day again?  

 

 

 

 

Desert/Oasis

I just want to say....I love to write.  I don't mean I like to just sit down and hammer out a few sentences that may or may not be grammatically correct, or throw out a few facts and figures to show what I might or might not know.  No, I am talking about the kind of writing where the room goes completely silent, even if your four kids, two dogs and all the neighbors are vying for your attention.  The place where when your pen hits the paper or your fingers find the keyboard, you experience deep joy you are engulfed in a sea of letters and words.  The harmonic place where letters form words, words form sentences and sentences complete paragraphs, creating a massive tapestry of thoughts.

It's not often that I have the pleasure of finding the time to sit down and just write.  Often my mind is cluttered with everyday tasks, suffocating the ideas before they take form.  In those moments I find some reprieve, my mind begins to scribble so fast, I can't keep up the pace.  I frantically grab anything within reach, jotting notes as quickly as my fingers will let me, hoping to catch the flow, that so graciously slips through my conscious.  

There have been so many thoughts and changes over the past three years.  It is an enormous understatement to say that cancer "changes" a person, and that life never looks the same.  Many attempt to write about it, but honestly until you experience it, I don't know that it would ever make sense.  I do however know that through hearing and reading the stories of life, love struggle and survival, even the average everyday joe/jane can see and make changes.

We live in a very big and messed up world.  Much of the time everything seems turned upside down.  We seek the empty and ignore that which can make our lives full.  My hope is that through some everyday, sometimes crazy, sometimes out there, not always correct writing, about my always crazy out there life, that each and every person reading this can find their "ah-ha" I can relate to that moment!  Too many of us have been left standing in the desert, alone and thirsty without any idea that just over the top of the next sand doon sits our oasis.

Please join me on this journey...writing, reading, loving and living a better life. 

 

 

Forty Day Change

Just forty short days ago I committed to a vow of social media silence, and some time with God.  I knew it had been a source of personal distraction, but didn't realize the magnitude of scatterdness, emptiness and control it had over my already busy life.  I mean how much difference could not texting, tweeting or facebooking really make?

Forty days later I am here to tell you it was life changing, breath taking and oh so liberating. I know that it will not come as any surprise to those that know me when I say that the silence in the past 40 days was not deafening. I don't know that anyone with four young kids has the luxury between 6:30 a.m. and 10:00 p.m. to just sit down, relax and breathe in any kind of quiet solitude.  There is little time to ponder the subtleties of life or even notice the absence of silence, or the presence of God. On the rare occasions I had a few moments to myself, I was immediately aware of the ticking of the clock, and the little time I would have before being called back to reality.  But not the same reality I have become accustomed to in the past ten years.  

This new reality was one of balance, clarity and yes, purpose.  No more frantic moments of completing tasks robotically with a clouded mind, but instead more cautiously planned thoughts with intention. The constant tug and pull of the technological world now silenced, I was free to LIVE, BREATHE and make decisions outside the boundaries of what society deemed "normal".  A world that spends an average of more than 100 minutes a day texting and 16 hours a month on facebook.  Not to mention, twitter, youtube, email and all other computer time.

I originally chose to do this because I knew it would prove challenging, but also promised great growth and change.  I have always loved the rebellion, danger and thrill of an adventure, especially when it leads to deep self discovery, but my fear of being lost, and waking up to only a glimpse of something familiar drove me to dig deeper into who I really am.  

Where this road will take me I have yet to discover.  Even the mundane tasks of everyday existence have purpose, but this is only discovered with perspective.  I am no longer a prisoner to technology. I know the advantages of living with it, but I also know now I CAN live without it.

 

The Gingerbread Man

One of my first, and most treasured childhood memories is of me standing at the top of an old wooden tower at a park, playing the Gingerbread Man game with my father.  At age four, I always took the role of the gingerbread man who had to escape the fiery oven, and the clutches of the wicked old witch, my father, to prevent being baked and eaten.  I still remember the thrill of being chased in between and around the playground equipment shrieking excitedly as he would come just close enough to feel his hand brush past my arm, letting me go just long enough to experience a few more moments of freedom.  Heart feverishly racing, I would give a quick glance over my shoulder to make sure he was nowhere near, climb with excitement to highest point I could find, and with all the energy I could muster shout out “run run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me I’m the Gingerbread Man.”  This game would go on for what seemed like hours, as over and over the wicked old witch would capture the Gingerbread Man, throw her back into the oven, only to start the game all over again.

I can’t help but think back to the days in the park, and how closely a silly childhood game could parallel life.  Death has a funny way of always chasing right behind us, sometimes getting just close enough for us to feel its breath, only to let us go long enough to stand atop the tallest safest point we can find and yell, run run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me I’m the Gingerbread Man.

 

 

ABOVE & BEYOND CANCER

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the tradewinds in your sails. Explore.Dream.Discover. ~Mark Twain

Only two days ago, I received an email that I had been accepted to go with 14 other cancer survivors in January, on a trek to Mount Kilimanjaro.  Yes, the 19,431 foot mountain that rises up out of heat of the African equator to a snow capped summit of sheer beauty.  A once in a life time opportunity to walk alongside others that have travelled similar paths, experienced similar challenges, and like me want to "climb this mountain", knowing their is life and a future Above & Beyond Cancer.

If you had asked me 20 years ago what my life would look like today, I wouldn't have had a clue how to answer.  Even though I have always been a free spirit at heart, I might have given the dreamy young girl's answer of being married to a knight in shining armor, and living in a house with a white picket fence, several kids, two dogs and the perfect job. 

Would I have imagined myself with the knight, four kids, a house, two dogs, the perfect job, stage IV cancer at 33, losing the hair I thought I could never part with, and beginning a journey that would forever change my life? NO WAY.   I was young and invincible. Time is never an issue when you are young, because it is never ending.  Death is a word saved for those that are really "old." And the idea of living each day to the fullest, well, I was already doing that,or so I thought.

My first real wake up call to experiencing the fullness of this world in a unique and meaningful way was the day I received the call that I had cancer.  I know it sounds crazy, but as  tough as the journey has been, I have truly been blessed. My eyes have been opened to a new beauty, and an understanding that is almost indescribable. I don't know any more about the future than I did before, but I do know now that I have been given a second chance and a new appreciation for life, and that my journey and God given purpose has just begun. 

I am very much looking forward to this adventure, and hope you will join me and the others along the way, as I share our journey to the top!

Fear not that thy life shall come to an end,but rather fear that it shall never have a beginning. ~John Cardinal Newman

 

Have No Fear

It is so easy to fall back into your same old patterns.  Just a minute here, or I'll get to that later there, while second by second the time keeps ticking away.  The days keep passing and the kids keep growing, and I am discovering my lack of awareness might just be part of my humanness.  Most days it is a struggle just to keep, up and I wonder if the concept of documenting all of lifes "little things" is some made up ideal that leaves busy mom's feeling like failures.  I often find myself wondering if I am alone, or is everyone experiencing the same things?

I know my perception of time and it's quality changed when I was diagnosed, but it still felt so infinite. I had been told I had cancer, but this was not my life and I was determined not to let it define me. There was never a doubt God would give me the strength I needed to heal and go on, and there were very few moments I really thought about the fact I was sick.  Once in remission the possibility of reoccurence was nothing more than a statistic, which I refused to believe was my future.

So what is happening now?  As I stretch farther from remission I find myself wondering how long I have before it comes back, or will it ever come back?  What will make me different from all the others that it never does?  Would I know right away?  What would it feel like?  Could I do this all over again? Where would I find the strength to do it again?  What would it do to my kids?  I feel pressed with the urgency to embrace every moment, but why?

My health over the past year has been more than problematic.  Every other month I have been faced with a secondary infection, not to mention chronic low iron and iron stores.  There have been many a day I have found myself crumpled in a ball praying God would give me just one more ounce of strength to get me through the task at hand. (kids)  Chemo was a breeze in comparison to some of this.

Today I found myself at yet another breaking point, as Nate is away hunting, I had 10,000 kids activities and was feeling like my fuel tank was completely dry.  I had been on the phone with my oncologist describing my symptoms, frustrations and fears of stopping the drug I am on, so didn't give thought to the fact the kids would be listening above their own chatter in the back seat.  As I entered the house knowing I had two more hours of taxing, dinner to cook and bedtime routines, I honestly didn't know how I was going to physically get through another moment.  As I sat down in the living room to gather myself one more time Alexa came up and handed me a note, and quietly walked away.  Here is what it said.....what wisdom and such perfect timing=)

Hurricane Price House

One can't always post about rainbows and sunshine, because the simple fact of the matter is, we all have stormy days.  Sometimes the winds come in unexpected at over 200 mph, while other days the clouds linger and a gentle rain begins to fall.

Today was an all out category 5 hurricane.  I suppose you could argue I had a three month warning, knowing that the back to school month of August is considered the season for strong meltdowns and severe attitudes, but I was caught completely off guard by the temperate and beautiful summer we had all spent together.

From the early morning whine for cereal and milk, to the sound of the dog vomiting on my newly cleaned carpets, I knew I was in for long one.  I tried to control the damage as much as possible, but I was unprepared for the storms strong magnitude and swirling winds.  Toys strung from the top floor to the bottom, breakfast dishes piled high until dinner, bloody noses, skinned knees, temper tantrum after temper tantrum, dirty socks, loads of laundry, fighting, screaming, punching, kicking, howling dog, ringing phone, unmade beds, gobs of dog hair from the dog that doesn't shed, a broken juicer, an angry child, a pile of new bills, pink permanent marker all over the side of my van, a traffic jam, a day of errands, an ice cream break, a stomach ache, a throbbing head, a pee stained bed and I'm not sure that it's over yet.

It's days like these the winds don't calm soon enough, and as I sit here assessing the damage (mostly to my phychi), I wonder what I will do to better prepare myself for the next storm!!!

My favorite two quotes today:

For Peace of Mind, Resign As General Manager Of The Universe ~ author unknown

Please excuse our messy house, the kids are making memories ~ author unknown

WHAT IS JOY?

 Let's be honest, raising kids is no walk in the park.  We spend years dreaming about prince charming, the white picket fence and the slue of cute kids running around perfectly dressed, well behaved making our lives.....well PERFECT.  No classes are offered to teach us how to manage our sudden life transformation, no friends or family sit you down and explain the "true Reality" of poopy diapers, dirty faces, bad manners, utter chaos, and loss of personal freedoms.  We are thrown into parenthood with no warning, no training and the attitude of "We did it and survived, you will too."  To make matters worse, we have society and all those before us preaching "seize the moment, enjoy them while you can, count your blessings, find the joy;" only to leave us feeling inadequate,confused and alone when this concept of "JOY" can't quite be figured out?

Find the JOY....What does this mean?  What is "real" joy?    Even I have written about the immense amount of "joy" I have experienced as the mother of four small children, but I have equally experienced immense anger and great frustration.  I have thought the thoughts we all hold captive, quietly wondering if we are going crazy or just not fit for motherhood.  And I have made my fair share of mistakes, if I haven't paid for already, I am sure I will pay for sometime in the future.

You see I believe "joy", as society has defined it, is like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, that promises happiness if we get to it, but somehow is always just beyond our reach.  It is the fairy-tail with the happy ending, the perfect American family,it is what many mothers have spent hours thinking they should have, and wondering where they can get it.

For the sake of all the mothers out there searching for the key to this mysterious secret, I don't think you have to go far or look long.  It's not something you can head over to Target and buy, but I believe it exists right where you are, in all that you do.  It's a gift, and the most difficult part of unwrapping it will be accepting the simplicity of what's inside.  This looks very different for each of us, and we must remember that not every moment of everyday will be sunshine and rainbows. That we will let moments slide by unnoticed, our kids will grow faster than we planned, and we will most likely sit back and wonder how and why we didn't spend more time "enJOYing" what we weren't able to see while we were busy raising them.  You see I believe "Joy", like everything else in THIS world is really not so perfect. It doesn't come without heartache, struggles or pain.  Sometimes there is regret, but mostly it reminds us that we are human, and in being human we do the best we know how.  We laugh when we can, we cry if we need to and we enJOY the moments as they are given, which over time will become our memories.......or that special gift of JOY!

My Birthday Girl....9 going on 19!

Nine years......3285 days......78,840 hours......4,730,400 minutes.....283,824,000 seconds ago today Alexa Kuhl Price was born into this world.  Scared to death and unsure what life as a mother would bring, I held on tight as contraction after contraction brought more joy and pain than I had ever experienced in my life.  What was going to emerge?  Would it have brown hair and brown eyes or blond hair and blue eyes?  Would it have all its fingers and toes?  Would it be as beautiful as I imagined? How was I going to do this?  I hadn't read any books or taken any classes.  I had always loved kids, but what was having my own going to be like?  

We had done an ultrasound at 18 weeks confirming she was a girl, but I was convinced they had made a mistake.  Maybe this was because I knew Nate was petrified of having a girl, so I thought there was no way a girl was in the cards.  Much to my surprise, at 10:05, with no drugs and one last hard push, the doctor announced the arrival of a beautiful dark haired baby girl.  I was so out of breath and convinced I was having a boy, I said "what a boy"?  With a look of confusion, or maybe "are you crazy"  the doctor held up a vernix coated screaming baby girl.  I smiled and laid my head back in exhaustion.  FInally,the long awaited beautiful brown haired, blue-green eyed little girl had made her first mark on this world, not having the slightest clue the amount of joy and fear she was going to bring to all who love her so deeply.

I could never have imagined I could love something so much so fast.  Within seconds she had stolen my heart and transformed my soul for eternity.  Never again would life look or feel the same.  This 7lb 10oz little human being had instantly become my world, and everything I would explore and conquer from this day forward would not be without constant thoughts of her well being.  I was full of joy, hope, love and sheer terror.  I remember waking up the very next day in the hospital with her by my side, looking over and thinking to myself how life would never be the same.  Thinking about how this little being was dependent on me for survival.  How without me she couldn't survive, and how for the rest of my living days I would worry about her well-being.  This was just the beginning........

DADDY's Little Princess

Crusin inot her 1st year......She was a ham.  Always so happy and full of life!  Must have been all the loud music and my singing in the car=)

Year #2  I promise to always love and take care of you ......even when you are in all my stuff, take away my all my attention and bug me when I have friends over to play!!

#3  Always the life of the party.  Pretty in pink....where did the years of the princess go?  Just tonight she told me I had failed and bought her all "girly" B-day presents.  What????? Where are all the pretty hats and dresses?

My very first attempt at cake making.....ALL FROM SCRATCH!!

#4  Here we go again....Where is the baby sister I asked for?

#5  Happy B-day to me!  

#6  Still a princess....but growing up fast, and yes they added yet another brother to the crew.

#7  Full of spunk.  Lot's of attitude.  A girl with an opinion and as stubborn as they come.  Sincere, thoughtful, beautiful with one of the biggest kindest hearts I have ever known.  My Alexa girl.

#8  Lost teeth, bigger feet and growing tall.....where has the time gone? Not so tiny anymore.

# 9....Today at school eating her birthday lunch with one of her very dear friends!  

As tears drip down my cheeks, I look into the eyes of tomorrows future with excitement, sadness and fear.  The once tiny little fingers that fit so neatly inside my hand, now take up over half my hand.  I know the day is coming when I won't fall asleep knowing she is tucked safe in her tiny little bed, but will sit up wondering and waiting for her to come home safely.  When hugs and I love yous will be a little less often, or at least not in front of friends.  And when I suddenly go from cool and funny to "that crazy woman"  she can't believe she could be related to, who drives her crazy and knows absolutely nothing.

But one thing will never change....through all our ups and downs, smiles and tears I will ALWAYS love you baby dear!!!!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY my little princess.  You have blessed me beyond words.  A true gift from God!

 

 

Happy Mother's Day from mommy "4 A"

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world.  That makes it hard to plan the day." E.B. White

This was the front of one of my favorite cards I received this mother day, along with a reminder that there is no greater opportunity to "IMPACT" and change the world than through my four precious children.  It is wild to think about only nine short years ago, almost to the day, I was lying in a hospital bed giving birth to our first born baby girl.  I had no idea how she or her three brothers to shortly follow would impact my life, the lessons I would learn or how much I would grow in losing "myself," but loving them so deeply.  It was as if in only a few short moments of head crowning, and a new baby crying life instantly transformed the once upon a time fairy-tail dreams for my own life, into thousands of wishes for my own children's lives.  Deep and long lasting joy was no longer about travel, success and worldly ambitions, but now found in little smiles, first steps and crazy days.

My own journey in losing myself and finding purpose in this world has been very difficult.  Society is persuasive, and can quickly and deceptively lead you to believe that joy lies in everything worldly.   The often thankless many roles of motherhood are easily overshadowed by promises of happiness and joy in a variety of other things. There is always another passion,cause,or someone to help, and technology has made it so much easier to immerse ourselves in so many more things going on today throughout the globe, that many times just being a mom doesn't seem like enough.  

I was reminded again today by my family, friends and children.....that being a Mom is one of the BEST and most important jobs we can be given.  As mother's we can choose to embrace this great role, with the understanding we have no greater opportunity to impact and CHANGE THIS WORLD we live in, than through our children.  Time does go by much too quickly.  In the blink of an eye they are here and out of the nest starting their own life journey's to find joy, happiness and purpose, and we can only hope in doing our best, we have given them wings to fly.

I laughed and cried today as I reflected on all I have given up to gain oh so very much!!  In the word's of one of my greatest mentors, friend and family......." If I can live without regret, I will find great peace." There will be no regret in doing my best to be the "4 A's" mom!!  I know that for sure.

 

Me in the first few minutes with my mama, only 36 years ago!